life is short

I really do think I would have been better off stupid.

I have been out of work for about a year. Some of it was me, thrashing through a skills-job mismatch. The rest has been the shitty job market. I now have some clarity about how I intend to proceed in the medium and long term, but the current concern is getting some fucking money in.

Please understand, I do not believe there is such a thing as unskilled labor. But there are some jobs where your purpose is to be a warm body that does things occasionally and shows up on time. This is not rocket science (although the way SpaceX is going? Eyy!).

I read a long thing on the politics of humiliation and it clarified a lot of things about the current milieu. It’s very long but extremely illuminating. “Humiliation is the forced recognition of domination.”

This can be done in many ways, both exceptionally grotesque and mundane.

—

During the job search, I have signed up for some silly things that are not completely useless.. One of the videos mentioned “the job market of XYZ years is gone. The job market of last year is gone. And you have to accept that.” It is unfortunately true.

The solution, according to this guy, is to market yourself on LinkedIn. All that value proposition create urgency CTA bullshit. Hawk your personal brand in a systematic way.

Y’know, all the shit that makes me (and other people like me in this regard) want to die.

If I were less aware of all the stuff around me I would just fucking do it because that's the way the world works. But I see it. I see what companies are trying to do to take advantage of this employers’ market. This combination of political uncertainty leading to lack of job mobility and a sustained capital strike that started after the Great Resignation.

I’m a perfectly talented and competent worker, but I do not believe the market should be tight enough that I have to attempt to differentiate myself for a position that pays $60K a year (which is exactly median for King County).

And it feels stupid to dig in my heels so much about this. Extremely entitled and bourgie when people are out there picking strawberries while dodging ICE or sucking in auto exhaust on the sides of freeways because they have no other way to survive. I don’t like writing cover letters, but I’m good at them. I’ll spin a goddamn magical narrative about how I’ll solve a problem you have with skills I bring to the table. But I don’t want to and I don’t think I should have to. (See? Entitled and bourgie and too fucking good to do what it takes.)

I'm probably going to have to do all this regardless because I don’t want to be a mooch on my parents and the unemployment money is gone.

But I will be kicking and screaming and doing this the whole time

Look, I’m not talking shit about that 16K word glurge about S2 just because OP is my icon twin but it certainly does not help. (Although frankly I am insulted my friends even for a second were like "Oh shit, what did Alice do" lmao)

I have not watched the last episode yet. It is entirely possible it could make me do an about-face on the entire season but I feel it is deeply unlikely.

( Written before and after episode 6 )

Maybe I will have more to say later. But right now I'm just grumpy as hell.

[insert whatever fuckery Muskrat is doing that is making people uneasy about staying on Twitter because I can't keep up anymore]

I take no joy in this. The breaking of communities is always an awful thing, and I very much dislike that it is a thing that has happened, and is going to keep happening.

I really do think the most viable alternative to the birdsite is Mastodon. It is the only platform/wev that has survived and in fact gets better the more people join. The technology has never been the sticking point, but rather accumulating a critical mass of people so you'll want to keep hanging out. I think it's coming.

1. It's really not that technically complicated

Can you sign up for an email address? Can you email someone not on the domain your email is hosted on? Congrats, you have all the knowledge you need to navigate Mastodon. There are guides to help you out, and if you need something specific and can't find it I'll dig one up for you.

2. Your instance doesn't really matter

An instance is a launchpad. It can also be a town square if you want it to be. You can interact as much or as little as you like on it. And if you don't like it, you can always move. The only caveats I have are:

• Don't join a big instance. They're overloaded.
• Make sure you're willing to abide by the rules of your instance. For example, this is for the one I hang out on. Usually it's stuff like content warnings or how to post nudity/gore/other nsfw stuff. The don't be an asshole stuff is presumed, but please read through the terms of use and make sure it's stuff you're willing to do/not do.

3. Find an alternate UI you like

I'm gonna be blunt: if you rely on the vanilla Mastodon UI, you're going to have a bad fucking time. It is designed by engineers and FOSS people in the worst ways. If you want a mobile app, use Tusky or Megalodon (Android). (I do not have any iOS devices but Ivory is made by the people who did Tweetbot, which Twitter took a lot of cues from. And I'm sure there are others.)

For web interfaces, I can highly recommend both Elk and Phanpy. (Also have responsive modes if you want to use them on your phone.) They function like skins on top of the vanilla interface and abstract a lot of things I found infuriating. Phanpy also has a Tweetdeck-like interface option and has helped so much with the current transition. Here is how you enable it.

4. Hashtag subscription is cool

You can follow hashtags like an account, which is a genuinely delightful feature. I am subscribed to #fountainpens, #mosstodon, #lichensubscribe, #bloomscrolling, and #silentsunday. For cats, there is #caturday and #catsofmastodon.

If you have any other questions, hmu in the comments or wherever and I'm happy to answer or point you to somebody who might know.

Crossposted from Tumblr, because this is where the personal posts live or something idk

—

If you've followed me for a while it's pretty clear what my stance on anti/purity wank nonsense is. I was here when I saw the shift towards media consumption and shipping as activism/a proxy for morality, and the way this has been used to lay a veneer of righteousness on what we would have previously described as ship wars or fandom wank.

It's funny because antis/purity wankers have this view of people who enjoy the nasty stuff as genuinely fucked up the same way homo/transphobes view gay and trans people: existential threats to morality, truth, justice, and the American way. Having known a fair amount of them, they're just people in fandom. They just happen to be into stuff that not everybody vibes with, the same way some people are into high school AUs or soulmate tropes and other people aren't. It just requires a little more tagging to make sure people who want to avoid that stuff can.

So of course I was absolutely horrified when I saw people dismissing the revelations about how volunteers were treated in the wake of the CSAM attacks as anti bullshit. People out there have read the information available and blithely dismissed these credible accusations and actions (which have been confirmed by the OTW Board and Legal committees), as some sort of psy-op by groups gunning the OTW/AO3, some of which may include the Russians, TERFs, possibly the Disney corporation.

For a bunch of people who have accused antis of being brainwashed dittoheads, the OTW apologists have done an impressive lack of critical thinking themselves. Even beyond that, why is their impulse, when an organization has been accused of something extremely horrific, to side with the organization rather than the victim?

I would like to think we, as fans, understand that we do the things we do out of love. Certainly there will be annoyances and irritations in the process, but those are not the same as genuine harm. I know for many of us, fandom has been a refuge from extremely awful things in our lives. It fucks me up so much that a thing you do out of love can lead to such a devastating trauma because people who should have given a shit absolutely fucking did not.

—

Um, well then.

When I started this post I intended on doing a witty little rhetorical flip in the conclusion to be like "lol guess what u know who r the real monsters?" And then I started ugly crying. I think this is the thing I've been trying to get a handle on since I learned about what happened.

I thought we loved each other. I thought that would be enough, to be some sort of lifeline to ensure we wouldn't be monsters. Obviously I was wrong, and it was stupid to think that way, but I did not anticpate how much it would hurt to realize.

I came late to FOB because I was in grad school when they were big, and then they went on hiatus. I didn't come to them until American Beauty/American Psycho, and it was like unlocking a previously unknown part of the fandom hivemind. (It made a lot more fic titles and gifsets make sense, I'll tell you what hahaha)

Of course FOB is popular outside of fandom too, but the music is is very expansive, perfect for pairing with big feelings. It is music for people who feel a lot, sometimes too much for everyday life. I don't always know what to do about it, and I don't think the band does either. So they sing and play songs about it and we listen to them and we both feel a little less alone for the experience.

The thing I find impressive is how far chutzpah can get you lyrically. There is nothing about "Empty the sadness like you're dumping your purse on the bedroom floor" that should work. And yet Patrick is completely committed emotionally in his delivery!

One of the things that art does is help give us a way to articulate/conceptualize feelings and thoughts we're not necessarily consciously processing. And to remind us that we're not alone in whatever we're dealing with. Which is to say, the new Fall Out Boy album is telling me I have a lot of shit to work through from the last few years.

And I can't even tell you why So Much (For) Stardust is hitting me so hard, but there have been multiple times where I've been listening and it's just emotionally overwhelming. Part of it is definitely pandemic processing, but that does not explain how much "The Kintsugi Kid" makes me so goddamn sad. We're all grappling with how the past few years have thrown us for a loop and nothing is the same, and I feel like we're all still staggering out of our houses mentally. And there's some acceptance of circumstances, but there's still a level of "What the fuck?" that I don't think we're done working through.

But still, we find the joy we can. And that's what's important.

In the course of living our lives, sometimes we let things drift to the wayside until we are reminded they exist, and are dissatisfying. The catalyst for this is this extremely cogent post about how white queer experiences are centered in Critical Role (specifically, but also in other) fandom.

I've been watching this show for a very long time, and I used to volunteer as an editor and timesetter for the CR Transcripts project. But I've found myself drifting further and further away from the fandom at large, and some of the things above are why. I mean, the fandom is much, much larger than it was when I first joined, and growing pains happen.

Critical Role is a big name in the actual play space, and I feel like it attracts a certain type of white (queer) fan that likes to think of themselves as "woke" or "progressive", but in mostly shallow ways. The vitriol I saw flung when South Asian fans expressed dissatisfaction with the worldbuilding in Jrusar and Marquet was incredible, to the point where people unfamiliar with the fandom were like "Guess the alt-right's not going to have problems recruiting here lol". (Racism in fandom is always the same, regardless of what fandom it is. The degree and specificity in which it occurs is really the only difference.)

And I'm not surprised it struck a nerve, because they "did everything right", bringing in diversity and cultural sensitivity consultants to make sure they didn't fuck it up. But as somebody on Twitter said, that's really all a consultant can do, make sure you don't fuck it up. It's difficult to replicate lived experience, to make a setting feel like a place that's part of you. And because of the visibility of big name white creators, it's going to overshadow whatever #ownvoices content other people create, especially when they got there first.

That's the thing about conditional allyship--fans and people of color have it until they trigger some white people feefees you didn't know were an issue until they were. CR did everything right, so why the fuck are the brown people still complaining? Is it not enough not to be racist? What do you mean they still want to be able to tell stories the way they want?

I feel like Critical Role as A Brand is also extremely not transparent when called out on its fuck-ups (the Wendy's sponsorship, the original C3 opening), which sets a poor example for fans as well. If I was one of the people who'd been dogpiled (especially when said dogpiling happened because of a friend of the show drawing attention to fans' comments), I'd be pissed at the giant wall of silence. Like, CR Inc can do whatever the fuck it wants, but the sudden appearance of a new title sequence after people were like "Uh, this is kind of insensitive" with absolutely no acknowledgement that maybe they goofed? Kinda uncool.

I do believe they're genuinely trying to do their best. But as (white) people, they are subject to all the nonsense society imparts on everybody, especially in terms of race, class, and all the other shit that interacts with those experiences. And I wish they, but especially CR fans, would decenter their experiences as white people to think about other ways these characters can give them insight into lives that aren't their own.

LIST OF FANWORKS

NSFW fics are indicated with an asterisk. All OFMD is Ed/Stede unless indicated.

(take for joy) from my outstretched palms (Ninja Assassin, Mika/Raizo)
the ravening clouds shall not long be victorious (OFMD, gen)
we've not yet lost all our graces (Good Omens/Hannibal, Will and Aziraphale)
siren (OFMD, companion ficlet for Pond's Monstrous May art)
[vid] western wind (OFMD)
fight off the light and stay with me (Good Omens Pacific Rim AU, Aziraphale/Crowley)
in the shape of things to come (too much poison come undone) (OFMD)
[vid] gay bar (OFMD, gen)
when the lights come on I'll be ready for this (Shang-Chi; Katy-centric, pre-Katy/Shaun)
* all the variations you could do with me (OFMD, Ed/Stede/Blackbeard)
until I saw you in my thunderstorm (Oxventure: Blades in the Dark, Alice/Peter)
* take me to the limit, hold me down there (OFMD)
there's a storm you've started now (Oxventure: Blades in the Dark, Alice/Peter)
* our bodies fear that this war won't end (can't live without the ache) (Malevolent, Arthur/John)
both have sharp teeth (Interview With the Vampire, Grace and Lestat)
* don't look in the mirror look into my eyes (Critical Role/Legend of Vox Machina, Percy/Orthax, Percy/OMC)
I took no time with the fall (Glass Onion, Blanc/Phillip)
Tumblr ficliets

TOTAL WORD COUNT

31298 and 5:27 of vids!

by fandom

Ninja Assassin    1767
OFMD    13745
Hannibal    1123
Good Omens    4747
Rivers of London    202
Shang-Chi    266
Ox: BITD    2900
IWTV    1289
Critical Role    1892
Glass Onion    1239
Malevolent    1261

OVERALL THOUGHTS

I took last year off from writing because I had a lot going on (new jorb, getting on ADHD meds, pursuing other creative endeavors, I just didn't feel like it), but it's really good to get back to it. In a lot of ways it's like learning how to do it all over again. Having an approximation of neurotypical function has been interesting, because I can just… stop? And pick up the next day? And not have to try and keep pace with my hyperfocus to finish before I got bored like I used to? It is wild, and I’m still figuring out how it works.

And because I took last year off, there was a lot of going through unfinished stuff and finally getting it out the door (hence all the Good Omens). That was satisfying, but I'm glad to have a mostly clear plate now.

And what is now apparently perpetual copypasta: If, despite everything, you were able to produce work this year, congratulations. And if you couldn't, that's okay too. Next year will hopefully be better.

PERSONAL BEST/FAVORITE

A tossup between when the lights come on I’ll be ready for this and in the shape of things to come (too much poison come undone. Shang-Chi is a movie that is close to me and my experience and it was extremely gratifying to put so much of things I know and value into it. And because I am always contrary, I wanted to write a not-really fix-it for Ed and Stede. It’s prickly and uncomfortable and emotional, but not without hope, and I like that.

But honestly I felt like I leveled up as a writer in general this year. idk if it's the meds, but everything felt really good to write. Of course I still ran into trouble, but it didn't feel horrifically insurmountable or frustratingly despairing in the same way. Here's hoping it continues.

MOST UNDERAPPRECIATED

Vids never do well on AO3, so I'm not surprised they have low hits and/or kudos. And I worked really hard on them, so go watch them (on AO3, YouTube, whatever) and tell me what you like about them, if anything.

MOST POPULAR

Unsurprisingly, the OFMD porn was top in both hits and kudos. But both have sharp teeth got kudos disproportionate to hits. Apparently people want stories about Grace de Pointe du Lac.

STORY WITH THE SEXIEST MOMENT

Take me to the limit. Is there anything hotter than a guy with rolled-up shirtsleeves? Yeah.

MOST FUN STORY TO WRITE

I think I did a good job of writing whatever the fuck I wanted this year, and I had a lot of fun doing it. And people seemed to like some of the more random stuff I threw up on Tumblr, so that was an added bonus. It may be recency bias, but I had an absolute blast writing Blanc. It's always delightful to write characters with distinct voices, and his is extremely distinct.

HARDEST

A toss-up between in the shape of things to come and we've not yet lost all our graces. The stuff was all there, but I could not figure out how to make it flow not just coherently, but in a manner satisfying to me. So that was frustrating and made me grumpy, but I figured it out.

BIGGEST SURPRISE/S

For sure, the Oxventure: Blades in the Dark stories. A non-D&D TTRPG run by a bunch of randos for a UK gaming website? And about two NPCs we never see again? There was no way I could have expected that one.

MOST UNINTENTIONALLY TELLING STORY

Like I say every year, I'm pretty sure all my shit is out in the open. But I will say I took no time with the fall has a surfeit of things I personally find interesting/have been thinking about. For once the whisk(e)y is the least of it.

FAVOURITE LINES/SCENES

He wants to crawl into that feeling and memorize it, that specific sense of comfort, belonging. Of bone-deep certitude even monsters can be—are—loved. (we’ve not yet lost all our graces)


“What did you say to my brother?”

“That I missed his company and wished to see him.” To Grace’s surprise, there is no affectation. “I realize now it was a poor time and place to do so, but sometimes the yearning, the desire to be close to… a friend. It can make even sensible men stupid. And I am not a sensible man.” (both have sharp teeth)


He rolls up his shirtsleeves, cuffing them neatly just under his elbows. It is practiced, easy in a way that makes Edward wonder what else he can do with those dexterous hands. (take me to the limit, hold me down there)


“Now that I’m to get a lecture it’s Phillip?”

“Lecture is such a stuffy word. Call it a gentle reminder of things that should be more prominent in your memory.” Blanc’s kind of a shit too, and god help him, Phillip is into it. (I took no time with the fall)

2023 WRITING AMBITIONS

As always, a look at previous goals:
Finish thicker than water, stronger than wine
I'm still gonna! I've even picked at it a little! Maybe when they finally announce a date for Good Omens S2. Although I'm sure everybody who was interested in it has given up hope of it ever getting finished, which is fair.

Make a working version of the transcription and captioning tool
That totally did not happen and I intend to pick this up again. And now that work has given me more knowledge of AWS, I'm hoping this is something I'm better equipped to tackle.

Learn Davinci Resolve. Like for reals this time
A year later than expected, but yes! As I mentioned in the vid notes for gay bar, the sheer ridiculousness of the vid made it easier to fuck around and experiment. I am trying to carry that mindset into any vids I may make next year.

Things I want to do next year:

• Make two vids. I have a lot of ideas kicking around for more OFMD ones, and I would like to make at least one IWTV one.
• Make a working prototype of the transcription/captioning tool

I am aware neither of these things are writing related, but oh well. I'll figure it out.

Wakanda Forever was good for the soul. It is a movie about women in a way that you hardly ever see from men. It's not The Favorite, but it is a story that allows women to be people in the same sort of way: angry and vengeful like Shuri, to bump heads in pursuit of what they think is right, like Raimonda and Okoye.

( Read more... )

I really need to stop listening to Malevolent in the mornings because it is Too Much to have such intense feelings about sad detective and eldritch hitchhiker before work!! But can I wait until after work? Also no.

( Read more... )

Hi! Thanks for offering one of my fandoms! Honestly, I'm pretty easy. As long as you include at least one character, I'm happy. You do not have to write to any prompts, they are only things I think would be interesting to explore. But they are there if you have a hard time starting from scratch as I do.

Social media stalking if you so choose:
pearwaldorf 
pearwaldorf 
pearwaldorf 

Basics

• I will read any rating. Prompts do not need to be porny, but I'm certainly not going to be sad if they are
• I'm not in love with graphic descriptions of gore or mutilation, but if you think it's necessary for the story, go for it. Here for mindfuckery/psychological horror, cosmic horror (especially if it's not a fandom where it normally exists), folk horror, gothic horror (plz), paranormal, (desperate) deals with powerful entities, people making bad decisions and being haunted by literal or metaphorical incarnations/consequences of their actions, murder couples/families
• Please feel free to be as stylistically weird as you like! With such a low word count/art requirement, this is a perfect place for experimentation

DNW

• Rape/noncon (Dubcon and consensual non-con are great!)
• Soulmate/soulmark AUs
• Clowns (it's a Halloween themed exchange. I gotta make sure)

Fandoms/Prompts

Feel free to mix and match any of the characters, ships, and prompts.

( Read more... )