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Jan. 16th, 2018 02:47 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
pearwaldorf(content notes: [shitty] sex, pleasure, enthusiastic consent, personal TMI)
(I speak mostly in context of cis m/f relationships, but of course this can happen with people of any gender in any combination of relationships.)
Thinking a lot about this thread Ashley Ford posted, and then subsequently discussed on AM2DM, Buzzfeed's Twitter show. It discusses some of the conversations that have been brought up by the Aziz Ansari thing.
It is one of those things that feels like it should be screamingly obvious, that sex should be about mutual pleasure (unless negotiated otherwise), and yet. But I think back to my early 20s, and it was not always a thing that I realized.
Many years ago, I had sex with a guy. Our encounters were mutually pleasurable. This time, I wasn't really feeling it but he was, so I was like, "OK sure whatever." To be clear, I did not feel taken advantage of and it was completely consensual. It wasn't good, it wasn't bad, it was a thing that happened. Later, I don't remember how, it came out that I wasn't super into it. He got incredibly upset and made me promise I would never have sex with him unless it was a thing I actively wanted to do.
And I think about that thread, and how different Ashley's roommate's life would have been if somebody had said that to her. And also how completely, disturbingly arbitrary it is that somebody had to tell me pleasure is something I should expect. It shouldn't be a matter of luck that was something I was told. I mean, I think I would have figured it out eventually, but it would have been hard-learned, after being hurt at worst (and there are many ways men can hurt women without violating consent or saying shitty things to them), and having shitty, unfulfilling sex at best.
So I'm going to be explicit. Everybody should expect mutual pleasure from their sexual encounters unless that's a thing you've explicitly negotiated otherwise. If somebody tries to shame you for being "difficult" or "high-maintenance" because of that, drop them like a hot rock if it's safe to do so. Know yourself, know your body. It can be great to discover what you like with another person, or just on your own. And if you find sex isn't a thing you enjoy at all, or only under very specific circumstances, that's okay too.
(I speak mostly in context of cis m/f relationships, but of course this can happen with people of any gender in any combination of relationships.)
Thinking a lot about this thread Ashley Ford posted, and then subsequently discussed on AM2DM, Buzzfeed's Twitter show. It discusses some of the conversations that have been brought up by the Aziz Ansari thing.
It is one of those things that feels like it should be screamingly obvious, that sex should be about mutual pleasure (unless negotiated otherwise), and yet. But I think back to my early 20s, and it was not always a thing that I realized.
Many years ago, I had sex with a guy. Our encounters were mutually pleasurable. This time, I wasn't really feeling it but he was, so I was like, "OK sure whatever." To be clear, I did not feel taken advantage of and it was completely consensual. It wasn't good, it wasn't bad, it was a thing that happened. Later, I don't remember how, it came out that I wasn't super into it. He got incredibly upset and made me promise I would never have sex with him unless it was a thing I actively wanted to do.
And I think about that thread, and how different Ashley's roommate's life would have been if somebody had said that to her. And also how completely, disturbingly arbitrary it is that somebody had to tell me pleasure is something I should expect. It shouldn't be a matter of luck that was something I was told. I mean, I think I would have figured it out eventually, but it would have been hard-learned, after being hurt at worst (and there are many ways men can hurt women without violating consent or saying shitty things to them), and having shitty, unfulfilling sex at best.
So I'm going to be explicit. Everybody should expect mutual pleasure from their sexual encounters unless that's a thing you've explicitly negotiated otherwise. If somebody tries to shame you for being "difficult" or "high-maintenance" because of that, drop them like a hot rock if it's safe to do so. Know yourself, know your body. It can be great to discover what you like with another person, or just on your own. And if you find sex isn't a thing you enjoy at all, or only under very specific circumstances, that's okay too.
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Date: 2018-01-17 01:33 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-01-17 05:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2018-01-23 12:21 am (UTC)