I'm never gonna know you now/but I'm gonna love you anyhow

[pearwaldorf]

Let me be honest here. I haven't actually listened to my Elliott Smith CDs in a while. My CD tower fell down and I haven't been much inclined to restock it, so I have CDs floating around everywhere, and coupled with this insane but inexplicable CD binge I've been on, I've been kind of neglecting the stuff I've had for a while. But this made me drag out all my CDs and listen. either/or will always be my favorite, but I'd forgotten how lovely and wonderful XO was too.

//

[warning: many dependent clauses ahead]

I'm sad, but I'm angry too. But I'm kind of ashamed because I'm angry Elliott is gone for selfish reasons. I'm not going to have another new CD to buy (after if/when Basement ever gets released), I'm never going to be able to see him in concert again and tell people about how he was so skinny and his hair was so greasy I wanted to drag him home and feed him dinner and give him a shampoo. And I'm angry because there were so many people who wanted him to get better--and it seemed like he was doing so well for a while, and he wasn't, and he didn't.

And I feel ashamed because I'm judging him despite knowing that I could never get into his head really, I don't know what it was like trying to kick that habit, and I have no right to say any of what I did, and what he did is between him and God, no one else. But I'm still mad.

I feel like I should go leave a flower somewhere, but where do I do it? One of the indie music shops? Lincoln? Where the Satyricon used to be? Dot's (although I'm sure he's persona non grata there since he signed with Dreamworks)? I don't know.

I'll be online. IM me if you want to talk, if I don't do it to you first.

Comments

[scaredsquee.livejournal.com]

Is there a lake or a river
or anything nearby? Just
let it float off, I think
he'll know its for him.

[sonatine.livejournal.com]

Well, there's that open cesspool we call the Willamette River, but I don't think I want to get close enough to that thing to float a flower down it. I'll probably end up like poor Blinky on the Simpsons.